Regression

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when thoughts are pushed back out of our consciousness and into our unconscious.^[1]


Cayden,
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm giving you the definition of regression.  Well the reason is because this is what you're doing right now when it comes to the adoption.  As of late you don't "remember" your birth mother's name when we ask you and when you do "remember" her name it isn't right.  You tell us that Tiffany is your birth mother.  Lately when we ask who your birth mother is your response is, "What birth mother?" and then change the subject.  I don't think this is healthy but the doctor seems to believe this is the only way you know how to deal with the emotions and feelings that you have regarding the situation.  So in my compassion for your birth mother I wanted to give her a birth mother's day gift.  I thought you seeing a picture of your birth mother wouldn't be a big deal... Boy was I wrong.  I was going to have you color a picture of you and your birth mom and send it to her.  I thought my plan was flawless until you saw her picture on the computer and went SCREAMING into our closet and started having yet another panic attack.  You haven't had a panic attack in a few months now (since we decided it was better for you to close the adoption) and I thought you were done having them.  This was by far the worst one you've ever had.  My heart broke as you cried and attempted to calm down (it took almost an hour).  You ended up sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed that night because you were so scared to sleep in your own bed because of the night mares you knew would come.  And they did come, three of them actually.  Each time you'd cry out "No don't touch me. Leave me alone Jordan."  My heart was breaking the entire night as I held you close to try and calm you the best I could.  I feel horrible that because of me you've had to deal with some of the demons of your past again.  I feel horrible that you even have these "demons" of your past.  I wish I could take this pain from you.  I wish I could heal the wounds.  I don't know that I can but in my efforts to try I will give you extra hugs and kisses forever.

I love you forever.  

I'll like you for always.  

As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Love Mommy

4 years

Although I've only had the honor, joy, and true privilage of being your mommy for 2 years I can't believe you're 4!  The last 2 years have FLOWN past and I can't believe how big my little "baby" has gotten.  At 4 years old you are incredibly smart, determined, driven, and extremely particular.  You LOVES board games, card games and playing outside.  You are the apple of your fathers eye and his best friend in every way.  Although you may seem a little "strange" at times you never leaves us without a smile on our face.  You've become the best big brother we could ever ask for.  You will be such a great example to Jaxson.  

1 day old

Just over 1 year old

Just over 2 years old (Our first family picture)

Almost 3 

Almost 4

I count you as a HUGE blessing in my life every day.  Without you and Daddy I wouldn't be the person that I am today.  I am so proud to be your mommy!

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

I'll love you forever.  I'll like you for always. As long as you're living my baby you'll be.

Big Brother

While the road to get here hasn't been easy, and the transition for you has been incredibly hard you are FINALLY adjusting to being a big brother!  You LOVE helping with Jaxson and I couldn't be happier.

There are moments where you will just sit and stare at him.  Then you'll turn to me and smile and say "Mommy I'm so happy to be a big brother!"

Life has been full of changes and struggles for you the last few months but through everything I want you to remember that I love you.... how much?  SO much... how much is so?  WAY WAY more than you know!
Love Mommy

Steps Backward

Cayden,
We went to see your birth mother on Christmas. While you were pleasant and nice during the visit the after math was much more than I planned. Panic attack after panic attack filled the drive home from Salt Lake. Listening to you cry yourself to sleep while I held you was too much for me to handle. The gift that she gave you should be a favorite of yours but you refuse to touch it, you won't look at it, in fact you've put it in your closet under your shoes so you don't see it. I've done my best to allow you to know your birth mother but it's affected you in a negative way that I can't allow. My job as your mother is to protect you. So I'm going to do what needs to be done to protect you. I hate having to cut contact completely but it doesn't do any good for you. And I only want what is best for you. I love you more than anything else in life and will do what is best for you.
Love Mommy

Big Brother

Cayden,

You are going to be a big brother! You are so excited about having a little brother to play with. You've been so cute the whole time. Making sure mommy doesn't do too much and making sure baby Jaxson grows big and strong. You have gone around and "marked" all the toys that you aren't going to let baby Jaxson play with. You've told mommy "If baby Jaxson isn't fun can we send him back?" You can't wait to be able to hold and play with your baby brother. You love to feel him kick you, although you tell him every time "only kick soft because it's not nice to do it hard." You love to kiss mommy's belly because you really believe you're giving baby Jaxson kisses. I am so excited for you to FINALLY be a big brother!

Giving baby Jaxson kisses 12-11-10

Love mommy

Break Through!

You and Mommy went to visit Ally. Ally talked to you about growing in your mommy's belly and I was very worried that you would get confused or angry but instead the completely oposite happened. When we got home from visiting with Ally you came up to me, took my face in your sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then you said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. You said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when you continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and You got the biggest smile on your face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged you for as long as you would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori (Ally's mommy) was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw you into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom you've become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if you would have "come to terms" with your "situation" as soon as you did. I'm so very glad you did though!

You and Ally playing on the paino at Ally's house.

Naughty....

Cayden,

Today I asked you why you've been so "naughty" lately. Your response was something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth mother, and adoptive mother. Before I explain why you need to know what you said. You said "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked you why you didn't want Christmas to come (even though you've been telling me every day what you want for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized you are right now in your life. At 3 1/2 you don't want Christmas to come because you were scared of seeing Jordan. I told you that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that you wouldn't have to see anyone that you didn't want to. It's SO sad that you can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that you're having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and you're only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to your doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with you I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for you. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with you is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's you. I love you more than life and only want what's best for you. So tonight, I hold you a little closer, I sing to you a little more. And share my heart with you like never before.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love Mommy