Big Brother

Cayden,

You are going to be a big brother! You are so excited about having a little brother to play with. You've been so cute the whole time. Making sure mommy doesn't do too much and making sure baby Jaxson grows big and strong. You have gone around and "marked" all the toys that you aren't going to let baby Jaxson play with. You've told mommy "If baby Jaxson isn't fun can we send him back?" You can't wait to be able to hold and play with your baby brother. You love to feel him kick you, although you tell him every time "only kick soft because it's not nice to do it hard." You love to kiss mommy's belly because you really believe you're giving baby Jaxson kisses. I am so excited for you to FINALLY be a big brother!

Giving baby Jaxson kisses 12-11-10

Love mommy

Break Through!

You and Mommy went to visit Ally. Ally talked to you about growing in your mommy's belly and I was very worried that you would get confused or angry but instead the completely oposite happened. When we got home from visiting with Ally you came up to me, took my face in your sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then you said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. You said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when you continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and You got the biggest smile on your face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged you for as long as you would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori (Ally's mommy) was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw you into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom you've become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if you would have "come to terms" with your "situation" as soon as you did. I'm so very glad you did though!

You and Ally playing on the paino at Ally's house.

Naughty....

Cayden,

Today I asked you why you've been so "naughty" lately. Your response was something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth mother, and adoptive mother. Before I explain why you need to know what you said. You said "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked you why you didn't want Christmas to come (even though you've been telling me every day what you want for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized you are right now in your life. At 3 1/2 you don't want Christmas to come because you were scared of seeing Jordan. I told you that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that you wouldn't have to see anyone that you didn't want to. It's SO sad that you can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that you're having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and you're only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to your doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with you I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for you. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with you is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's you. I love you more than life and only want what's best for you. So tonight, I hold you a little closer, I sing to you a little more. And share my heart with you like never before.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love Mommy

Denial

Cayden,
I wonder if writing this is good at times and then I remember that this is for you, noone else, and it will be good for you to understand everything you've come through at some point. I still can't believe everything you've been through in such a short period of time. Dr's say it's amazing how well adjusted you are after everything. I would have to agree. You are such a happy little boy most days and the days that you aren't are miserable because it hurts me to see you hurt.

Today was one of those days where you were angry. Mostly angry at the fact that you have 1 mommy, 1 daddy, and 1 birth mother. You didn't like it at all today. You kept asking... "Mommy, who is Jordan?" When I would respond "She's your birth mother." You would go into fits of rage that would soon become an asthma attack which would soon become a panic attack. Once I would get you calm you would turn to me and say again. "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which I would either say "She's your birth mother" or "You grew in her belly." It didn't really matter what I said about it you were very upset by it. At one point you said "Mommy, who is Jordan really." and I said "Well she was your mommy at first and then she let me be your mommy." Your response to that was horrifying to watch. You threw yourself on the ground screaming and crying "She wasn't! She wasn't! She wasn't!" Throwing your head back and forth crying the whole time. It took every thing in me to hold you still and simply cry with you.

I don't know what to do any more. I want you to be happy and healthy and it just isn't happening. I try to only talk about the situation when you bring it up but even when you bring it up you aren't happy. I pray that you'll soon find peace about this. I pray that you'll be comforted and that you'll no longer hurt from things in your past that you remember (which I am still amazed at the things you remember... You remember the arm, the car, the yelling and screaming, the crying and hitting, you remember more than I think a normal 3 1/2 year old remembers). I pray that you'll forget and come to terms with everything.

But if you don't, I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Love Mommy

Temple Sealing

Cayden,

On Saturday September 4, 2010 you were sealed to mommy and daddy in the Ogden Temple. You were such a sweet boy when they brought you in the sealing room. You kept saying "Mommy what are you doing?" and "Mommy what are you wearing?" The look on your face was simply wonderful. You help mommy's hand as the sealing said sweet things about you and told us all that you were sealed to mommy and daddy forever. I can't explain to tell you the joy that I felt when you were sealed to mommy and daddy. We both love you so much! You played in the nursery and loved the two workers that were in there. They got you dressed and ready and were so nice! I think you look so cute all in white!
This is our "forever family". I am so grateful to be able to be your mommy forever!
You LOVED looking at Angel Moroni. In fact you still talk about the Angel with the horn on the temple. You know have so many blessing because mommy and daddy made it to the temple. So many blessings that you more than deserve! I love you so much baby!
Love mommy

Adoption

Cayden,
I can't begin to tell you how happy I am. On August 17, 2010 your adoption was finalized in front of a very nice judge--who as you said "wears a black dress looking thing"-- who let mommy know how lucky she is to have such wonderful men in my live (you and daddy). I am SO grateful to have you in my life. You are my sunshine. You are what keeps me going and makes me smile. You are everything I have dreamed about for so long!

Papa was able to come and you sat with him most of the time and colored. You weren't very good at being quiet --no surprsies there-- and since everything was being recorded you needed to be.

I want you to know that without the love of your birth mother Jordan there is no way this would have been possible. You need to know that she loves you very much and in allowing me to adopt you she has fully shown that love. I hope that you will always show her the respect that she deserves. She is a wonderful person with a good heart. Life hasn't been easy for her and it breaks my heart that she has heart ache because of the situation. I will always and forever tell you about her, her love for you, and the great gift that she has given me.

Love Mommy

4th of July 2010

As we did last year we started the 4th of July off with pancakes at papa and Nana's house and then headed down the street for the parade. Last year I kept you in the stroller the whole time. This time however I believe you stood the ENTIRE time. You were really good and running out in the road to get candy when there weren't any floats coming. And you some times dashed out at the exact WRONG moment! Although everyone clapped for you, Mommy was scared to death.

Daddy locked his keys in the car that morning and we had to wait for uncle Daniel to get home from seeing uncle Josh and Aunt Nikki in South Dakota so we stayed at Nana's house ALL day long! This is the first year that you've like fireworks. Last year they scared you to death. This year I could barely keep you away from the big, very illegal ones that uncle Daniel brought home. Although you did do a roman candle or two. Sparklers were by far your favorite.
I'm so glad you like the 4th of July as much as I do. Can't wait for next year when we'll be able to share with your little baby!
Love Mommy