Denial

Cayden,
I wonder if writing this is good at times and then I remember that this is for you, noone else, and it will be good for you to understand everything you've come through at some point. I still can't believe everything you've been through in such a short period of time. Dr's say it's amazing how well adjusted you are after everything. I would have to agree. You are such a happy little boy most days and the days that you aren't are miserable because it hurts me to see you hurt.

Today was one of those days where you were angry. Mostly angry at the fact that you have 1 mommy, 1 daddy, and 1 birth mother. You didn't like it at all today. You kept asking... "Mommy, who is Jordan?" When I would respond "She's your birth mother." You would go into fits of rage that would soon become an asthma attack which would soon become a panic attack. Once I would get you calm you would turn to me and say again. "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which I would either say "She's your birth mother" or "You grew in her belly." It didn't really matter what I said about it you were very upset by it. At one point you said "Mommy, who is Jordan really." and I said "Well she was your mommy at first and then she let me be your mommy." Your response to that was horrifying to watch. You threw yourself on the ground screaming and crying "She wasn't! She wasn't! She wasn't!" Throwing your head back and forth crying the whole time. It took every thing in me to hold you still and simply cry with you.

I don't know what to do any more. I want you to be happy and healthy and it just isn't happening. I try to only talk about the situation when you bring it up but even when you bring it up you aren't happy. I pray that you'll soon find peace about this. I pray that you'll be comforted and that you'll no longer hurt from things in your past that you remember (which I am still amazed at the things you remember... You remember the arm, the car, the yelling and screaming, the crying and hitting, you remember more than I think a normal 3 1/2 year old remembers). I pray that you'll forget and come to terms with everything.

But if you don't, I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Love Mommy