Break Through!

You and Mommy went to visit Ally. Ally talked to you about growing in your mommy's belly and I was very worried that you would get confused or angry but instead the completely oposite happened. When we got home from visiting with Ally you came up to me, took my face in your sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then you said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. You said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when you continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and You got the biggest smile on your face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged you for as long as you would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori (Ally's mommy) was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw you into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom you've become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if you would have "come to terms" with your "situation" as soon as you did. I'm so very glad you did though!

You and Ally playing on the paino at Ally's house.

Naughty....

Cayden,

Today I asked you why you've been so "naughty" lately. Your response was something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth mother, and adoptive mother. Before I explain why you need to know what you said. You said "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked you why you didn't want Christmas to come (even though you've been telling me every day what you want for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized you are right now in your life. At 3 1/2 you don't want Christmas to come because you were scared of seeing Jordan. I told you that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that you wouldn't have to see anyone that you didn't want to. It's SO sad that you can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that you're having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and you're only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to your doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with you I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for you. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with you is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's you. I love you more than life and only want what's best for you. So tonight, I hold you a little closer, I sing to you a little more. And share my heart with you like never before.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love Mommy