Regression

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when thoughts are pushed back out of our consciousness and into our unconscious.^[1]


Cayden,
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm giving you the definition of regression.  Well the reason is because this is what you're doing right now when it comes to the adoption.  As of late you don't "remember" your birth mother's name when we ask you and when you do "remember" her name it isn't right.  You tell us that Tiffany is your birth mother.  Lately when we ask who your birth mother is your response is, "What birth mother?" and then change the subject.  I don't think this is healthy but the doctor seems to believe this is the only way you know how to deal with the emotions and feelings that you have regarding the situation.  So in my compassion for your birth mother I wanted to give her a birth mother's day gift.  I thought you seeing a picture of your birth mother wouldn't be a big deal... Boy was I wrong.  I was going to have you color a picture of you and your birth mom and send it to her.  I thought my plan was flawless until you saw her picture on the computer and went SCREAMING into our closet and started having yet another panic attack.  You haven't had a panic attack in a few months now (since we decided it was better for you to close the adoption) and I thought you were done having them.  This was by far the worst one you've ever had.  My heart broke as you cried and attempted to calm down (it took almost an hour).  You ended up sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed that night because you were so scared to sleep in your own bed because of the night mares you knew would come.  And they did come, three of them actually.  Each time you'd cry out "No don't touch me. Leave me alone Jordan."  My heart was breaking the entire night as I held you close to try and calm you the best I could.  I feel horrible that because of me you've had to deal with some of the demons of your past again.  I feel horrible that you even have these "demons" of your past.  I wish I could take this pain from you.  I wish I could heal the wounds.  I don't know that I can but in my efforts to try I will give you extra hugs and kisses forever.

I love you forever.  

I'll like you for always.  

As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Love Mommy

4 years

Although I've only had the honor, joy, and true privilage of being your mommy for 2 years I can't believe you're 4!  The last 2 years have FLOWN past and I can't believe how big my little "baby" has gotten.  At 4 years old you are incredibly smart, determined, driven, and extremely particular.  You LOVES board games, card games and playing outside.  You are the apple of your fathers eye and his best friend in every way.  Although you may seem a little "strange" at times you never leaves us without a smile on our face.  You've become the best big brother we could ever ask for.  You will be such a great example to Jaxson.  

1 day old

Just over 1 year old

Just over 2 years old (Our first family picture)

Almost 3 

Almost 4

I count you as a HUGE blessing in my life every day.  Without you and Daddy I wouldn't be the person that I am today.  I am so proud to be your mommy!

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

I'll love you forever.  I'll like you for always. As long as you're living my baby you'll be.

Big Brother

While the road to get here hasn't been easy, and the transition for you has been incredibly hard you are FINALLY adjusting to being a big brother!  You LOVE helping with Jaxson and I couldn't be happier.

There are moments where you will just sit and stare at him.  Then you'll turn to me and smile and say "Mommy I'm so happy to be a big brother!"

Life has been full of changes and struggles for you the last few months but through everything I want you to remember that I love you.... how much?  SO much... how much is so?  WAY WAY more than you know!
Love Mommy

Steps Backward

Cayden,
We went to see your birth mother on Christmas. While you were pleasant and nice during the visit the after math was much more than I planned. Panic attack after panic attack filled the drive home from Salt Lake. Listening to you cry yourself to sleep while I held you was too much for me to handle. The gift that she gave you should be a favorite of yours but you refuse to touch it, you won't look at it, in fact you've put it in your closet under your shoes so you don't see it. I've done my best to allow you to know your birth mother but it's affected you in a negative way that I can't allow. My job as your mother is to protect you. So I'm going to do what needs to be done to protect you. I hate having to cut contact completely but it doesn't do any good for you. And I only want what is best for you. I love you more than anything else in life and will do what is best for you.
Love Mommy