Big Brother

Cayden,

You are going to be a big brother! You are so excited about having a little brother to play with. You've been so cute the whole time. Making sure mommy doesn't do too much and making sure baby Jaxson grows big and strong. You have gone around and "marked" all the toys that you aren't going to let baby Jaxson play with. You've told mommy "If baby Jaxson isn't fun can we send him back?" You can't wait to be able to hold and play with your baby brother. You love to feel him kick you, although you tell him every time "only kick soft because it's not nice to do it hard." You love to kiss mommy's belly because you really believe you're giving baby Jaxson kisses. I am so excited for you to FINALLY be a big brother!

Giving baby Jaxson kisses 12-11-10

Love mommy

Break Through!

You and Mommy went to visit Ally. Ally talked to you about growing in your mommy's belly and I was very worried that you would get confused or angry but instead the completely oposite happened. When we got home from visiting with Ally you came up to me, took my face in your sweet little hands, looked into my eyes and said "I grew in Jordan's belly huh mommy?" I couldn't help but smile and say "Yes, you did." Then you said something that I thought wouldn't happen for a LONG time. You said "She's my birth mom huh?!" I was brought to tears and simply nodded my head when you continued and said "That means she loves me alot huh?" I said "Yes" and You got the biggest smile on your face and said, "I like having a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom." I sat and hugged you for as long as you would let me. I can't help but think of the blessing that Lori (Ally's mommy) was in this situation.

Before a few days ago the mention of a birth mom would throw you into an asthma attack but after playing and visiting with other children that have a mommy, and a daddy, and a birth mom you've become more "ok" with the situation. I don't know if I had more of a closed adoption with Ally if you would have "come to terms" with your "situation" as soon as you did. I'm so very glad you did though!

You and Ally playing on the paino at Ally's house.

Naughty....

Cayden,

Today I asked you why you've been so "naughty" lately. Your response was something I'd NEVER thought about. Something that breaks my heart as a mother, birth mother, and adoptive mother. Before I explain why you need to know what you said. You said "I don't want Christmas to come. If I'm naughty it won't come." When I asked you why you didn't want Christmas to come (even though you've been telling me every day what you want for Christmas) you said "Because that's when Jordan comes." My heart broke as I realized how truly traumatized you are right now in your life. At 3 1/2 you don't want Christmas to come because you were scared of seeing Jordan. I told you that this year Christmas would just be Mommy and Daddy and Cayden and that you wouldn't have to see anyone that you didn't want to. It's SO sad that you can't think of anything else but negative. It's sad that you're having to deal with emotions that most people don't ever have to, and you're only 3 1/2!

So, we went to talk to your doctor. And as hard as this is for me to say it's something that I know is right and true. Something I've prayed about and finally found peace in. While I will still be open and willing to talk about Jordan with you I've had to realize that an open adoption is not what is healthy and best for you. I tried for the longest time to hold out hope that things would change but I don't know that it will. Having such an open adoption with Ally and having to have a closed adoption with you is VERY hard for me. But it's not me that matters. It's you. I love you more than life and only want what's best for you. So tonight, I hold you a little closer, I sing to you a little more. And share my heart with you like never before.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love Mommy

Denial

Cayden,
I wonder if writing this is good at times and then I remember that this is for you, noone else, and it will be good for you to understand everything you've come through at some point. I still can't believe everything you've been through in such a short period of time. Dr's say it's amazing how well adjusted you are after everything. I would have to agree. You are such a happy little boy most days and the days that you aren't are miserable because it hurts me to see you hurt.

Today was one of those days where you were angry. Mostly angry at the fact that you have 1 mommy, 1 daddy, and 1 birth mother. You didn't like it at all today. You kept asking... "Mommy, who is Jordan?" When I would respond "She's your birth mother." You would go into fits of rage that would soon become an asthma attack which would soon become a panic attack. Once I would get you calm you would turn to me and say again. "Mommy, who is Jordan?" To which I would either say "She's your birth mother" or "You grew in her belly." It didn't really matter what I said about it you were very upset by it. At one point you said "Mommy, who is Jordan really." and I said "Well she was your mommy at first and then she let me be your mommy." Your response to that was horrifying to watch. You threw yourself on the ground screaming and crying "She wasn't! She wasn't! She wasn't!" Throwing your head back and forth crying the whole time. It took every thing in me to hold you still and simply cry with you.

I don't know what to do any more. I want you to be happy and healthy and it just isn't happening. I try to only talk about the situation when you bring it up but even when you bring it up you aren't happy. I pray that you'll soon find peace about this. I pray that you'll be comforted and that you'll no longer hurt from things in your past that you remember (which I am still amazed at the things you remember... You remember the arm, the car, the yelling and screaming, the crying and hitting, you remember more than I think a normal 3 1/2 year old remembers). I pray that you'll forget and come to terms with everything.

But if you don't, I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Love Mommy

Temple Sealing

Cayden,

On Saturday September 4, 2010 you were sealed to mommy and daddy in the Ogden Temple. You were such a sweet boy when they brought you in the sealing room. You kept saying "Mommy what are you doing?" and "Mommy what are you wearing?" The look on your face was simply wonderful. You help mommy's hand as the sealing said sweet things about you and told us all that you were sealed to mommy and daddy forever. I can't explain to tell you the joy that I felt when you were sealed to mommy and daddy. We both love you so much! You played in the nursery and loved the two workers that were in there. They got you dressed and ready and were so nice! I think you look so cute all in white!
This is our "forever family". I am so grateful to be able to be your mommy forever!
You LOVED looking at Angel Moroni. In fact you still talk about the Angel with the horn on the temple. You know have so many blessing because mommy and daddy made it to the temple. So many blessings that you more than deserve! I love you so much baby!
Love mommy

Adoption

Cayden,
I can't begin to tell you how happy I am. On August 17, 2010 your adoption was finalized in front of a very nice judge--who as you said "wears a black dress looking thing"-- who let mommy know how lucky she is to have such wonderful men in my live (you and daddy). I am SO grateful to have you in my life. You are my sunshine. You are what keeps me going and makes me smile. You are everything I have dreamed about for so long!

Papa was able to come and you sat with him most of the time and colored. You weren't very good at being quiet --no surprsies there-- and since everything was being recorded you needed to be.

I want you to know that without the love of your birth mother Jordan there is no way this would have been possible. You need to know that she loves you very much and in allowing me to adopt you she has fully shown that love. I hope that you will always show her the respect that she deserves. She is a wonderful person with a good heart. Life hasn't been easy for her and it breaks my heart that she has heart ache because of the situation. I will always and forever tell you about her, her love for you, and the great gift that she has given me.

Love Mommy

4th of July 2010

As we did last year we started the 4th of July off with pancakes at papa and Nana's house and then headed down the street for the parade. Last year I kept you in the stroller the whole time. This time however I believe you stood the ENTIRE time. You were really good and running out in the road to get candy when there weren't any floats coming. And you some times dashed out at the exact WRONG moment! Although everyone clapped for you, Mommy was scared to death.

Daddy locked his keys in the car that morning and we had to wait for uncle Daniel to get home from seeing uncle Josh and Aunt Nikki in South Dakota so we stayed at Nana's house ALL day long! This is the first year that you've like fireworks. Last year they scared you to death. This year I could barely keep you away from the big, very illegal ones that uncle Daniel brought home. Although you did do a roman candle or two. Sparklers were by far your favorite.
I'm so glad you like the 4th of July as much as I do. Can't wait for next year when we'll be able to share with your little baby!
Love Mommy

Little brother or sister

Cayden,
Your reaction to mommy having a baby in her belly has been THE BEST! You've told us that the baby needs to be a baby girl. When I ask why you want a baby girl the response you give makes me roll with laughter. "Because mommy, Jesus wants us to be nice and share but I don't like to share. So if it's a baby girl I won't have to share my toys, she will get her own!" SO CUTE! I sure do love you little mr.!
Love Mommy

4th of July

Although your first 4th of July wasn't exactly exciting or eventful it was a lot of fun. We spent the day at Grandma and Grandpa Shaw's house. We played games and just hung out. Daddy and uncle Matt went and bought some fireworks and later that night we went out in the street and lit them off. You slept during the fire works amazingly enough. Although we would have loved for you to see the fireworks we didn't want you scared.
Love your Birth Mother, Jordan

Mommy's Dream

Babies,
I just want you to know how much I love you. When you were first born I didn't know about you, at least not at first. About 6 weeks after I had baby Ally I had a dream, a dream that made me wonder so many things. In my dream I was sitting in a chair holding the most beautiful baby boy. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I kept singing songs and kissing the baby's face. Right before my dream ended I said "As long as your living my baby you'll be." I woke up stunned. It didn't make sense that I would be holding a baby boy. I had just placed a baby girl for adoption, that would have made so much more sense had my dream been about a baby girl. I went back to sleep but didn't sleep well at all. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about the baby in my dream. Where was he, who was he, why did I need to be his mommy? So many questions and NO answers! For the next three weeks I had the same dream every single night. I realized that for whatever reason there was a little boy that needed me to be his mommy. I didn't know why but I knew I would, with time, become his mommy. My life went down a different path than I thought it would and I soon forgot about the baby boy in my dreams. Through hard times in life however Heavenly Father kept reminding me with dreams of the same beautiful baby boy. Right after I moved back home in October of 2008 I had what I called my baby dream for five weeks, every single night. I knew in my heart something had happened and that baby boy needed me to be his Mommy. I cried for many nights because I had no control over the situation. I didn't know where the baby boy was or how to find him. In January of 2009 I had the same dream again for 2 more weeks straight. I knew without a doubt that soon I would find my baby boy and I would be his mommy. In April of 2009 I found my baby boy!!! I met your daddy and we hit it off. Within days I met you and when I saw you for the first time I just about screamed with joy. I had found my baby boy. Every single time I looked at you I knew.... "As long as your living my baby you'll be." You soon became attached to me and started calling me mommy. Although Daddy and I tried desperately to get you to call me KK or something other than Mommy you wouldn't. In my heart I knew why. You are my dream baby. When I first saw baby pictures of you my heart skipped a beat. The baby in my dreams was, without a doubt you. I held you and rocked you in my dreams so many times. I knew you were there but didn't know how to find you. Oh baby I love you! I know that Heavenly Father prepared me to be your mommy. I can't imagine my life without you! I am SO very blessed to be able to be your mommy! Always remember.... "As long as your living my baby you'll be."
Love MommyThis is nearly exact to the baby that I saw in my dreams... you were all in white.

Pregnant with Cayden

Being pregnant with you was so easy. I ate alot of sour candy and hot foods when I was pregnant with you. You were such a good baby. I loved being pregnant with you!
Month 1 When I fisrt saw you in my tummy you looked just like a little peanut. Everyone that worked with me refered to you as Mr. Planters. They even offered to buy you a eyeglass, top hat, and cane. I cried the first time I saw you. It was so amazing to get to see such a little miricale growing in my tummy.
Month 3 Daddy talked to you all the time. He even tried to sing, but we all know daddy can't really sing.
Month 5 We watched alot of basketball, football, and soccer games with you in my tummy, and when everyone would cheer and get excited, you either got really excited or scared but either way you would kick and move like crazy. Everyone thought it was funny. We all knew you'd LOVE sports, we weren't wrong. Month 6 Most of the time I was pregnant I didn't realize I was pregnant... except for of course when my stomach got so big it got in the way. I made daddy put my shoes on my feet towards the end of being pregnant because I just couldn't do it anymore.
Month 8
Love your birth mom
Jordan

Blessing Day

I was really excited on your blessing day. I was trying to figure out what was the best outfit to put you in so you would look really cute. It was a happy day and a lot of friends and family showed up. I was surprised and so thankful that so many people came just for you. I have never seen so many people in a blessing circle before. It warmed my heart to know that so many people loved and cared for you. The only sad moment of the day was when grandpa was blessing you I looked at your daddy and he was crying. He was really sad that he was not the one blessing you. I felt really bad for him, but he was SO happy that you were getting the opportunity to receive a blessing. It was such a fun and beautiful day, and you were such a good boy the entire day. You are such a special little boy.
Love Jordan--Your birth mom

Blessing

Cayden,
Although I wasn't able to be there for your blessing I've heard a little bit about it. You are such a special little boy and so loved from the day you were born. Grandpa Shaw gave you your blessing. Daddy was a little upset that he wasn't able to bless you himself but so grateful that Grandpa could. You were so cute and little. Always remember that your Heavenly Father loves you very much. He is ALWAYS there for you whenever you need him. He loves you more than you will ever know.
Love Mommy

Sweet Boy

The day that I found out I was pregnant with you I was so scared. I didn't know what to do or think. With the help of your daddy I wasn't as scared and I became excited and thrilled that I was having you. Your daddy and me had a name picked out for you whether you were going to be a boy or a girl but I always had a feeling that I was going to have a sweet littl boy. We had so much stuff for you from all of our family and friends. They were all so excited that you were coming into this world. The day that you were born I was so nervous and scared. I just wanted you to be a healthy little boy and even though there were complications I had you at last. I was so happy that I could not stop myself from crying. You were the sweetest most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I was so happy that Jesus sent you to your daddy and me. You became my everything as soon as I laid my eyes on you. I could not blieve that your daddy and me had made such a beautiful little boy. I never wanted the nurses to take you to the nursery and I didn't want to let anyone else hold you. I am every so grateful that I had you. You are the sweetest littl boy and I could not have asked for anything better than what Heavenly father gave me. I am so glad he gave me you!
Love Jordan--your birth mom

Meeting you

This was one of the first times that I met you. I believe the first time I ever saw you, you were sleeping.Meeting you for the first time was so exciting for me. I remember right after I had Ally I had dreams that I was holding a baby boy. At the time it made no sense at all because as you know I placed a baby girl. I kept feeling that there was a little boy that I needed to be a mommy to. When I first met you I knew that little boy was you. At first you were very hesitant to talk to me, you didn't like new things or new people. The first time you let me hold you was because you wanted to talk on the phone to a bank teller inside walmart. It was so cute. I instantly fell in love you with. You were so smart and so cute! I remember thinking "This little boy is exactly who I've been searching for." I can't believe how lucky I am to be your mommy. I love you so much Cayden!
Love Mommy